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Dear Son, Letting In and Letting Go


--25 Weeks Old (Before Birth)--

Dear Son, 

The word is now spreading to more and more people about your existence, or eventual arrival - however, you prefer to look at it - and it feels like a fire that is now out of our control. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but as mentioned in prior letters to you, your mother and I are pretty methodical in how we divulge news about our private lives. 

Truthfully, your mother is definitely more willing to share news than I am, and you'll eventually see that one day. Maybe I'll change, who knows? But the truth is, because of the nature in how I grew up, in the neighborhood that I did, and really, the independence that I had to attain early on, I've always been late to share things with others. That's just who I am. It's probably why I have had this very blog since I was sixteen - to let those thoughts out somewhere. 

Nonetheless, everyone now knows. I'm talking like everyone. Even the teller lady at the business office at the college where I work as of this writing. And for me, I'm trying to cope with that. 

Why? Because with that comes attention. And with that attention comes the kind of fluff excess that I constantly try to avoid, or rather, the kind of things that annoy me. You know, all that "extra-ness" humans like to make up as social customs. 

For the record, if you're wondering, we did not have a gender reveal party for you. I find them to be ridiculous. It's basically keeping a secret from yourself, simply to surprise yourself. I don't see the appeal. Just my opinion. And really, it goes into that box of "extra-ness" I like to stay away from. 

But I digress...

Nonetheless, I already see your mother, the focus of not one, not two, but THREE(!) upcoming baby showers, and her emotions and reactions to them all. It's joy, yet, an annoyance, and a wanting to just be at times during this experience. 

I feel for her. And at the same time, I fear that for me at some point in this journey. 

Everyone wants to offer advice. Everyone wants to know your name (BTW, at this point, we do). Really, everyone is excited. and I get that. And others are just being nosey and annoying. Your mother and I - shockingly - get that too. 

For me, this week, in realizing how much of my personal life is now so abroad and so transparent, it causes me to feel vulnerable. And again, as someone who defied odds, statistics, neighborhoods, and more, vulnerability is something that I just don't do well with. I'll admit it - assuredness is a close friend of mine - it's a gift and a curse. But, it's got me where I am thus far in life. 

However, that same vulnerability is growth. I'm seeing as you grow, so do I. Possibly transforming. Or evolving. Whatever it is, I'm already changing. Because while I'm getting used to all of this, and it is making me slightly uncomfortable, I'm beginning to realize much of this isn't about me. 

It's a small step in letting people in. But really, I'm letting go. I'm beginning to let go in more ways than I ever have before. 

Sincerely,

Your I-guess-I-gotta-change Dad
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