I’m learning to get out of the way.
Parenting is hard. And that statement in itself doesn’t capture the essence of the difficulty that I am referencing. I despise generational comparisons, and more so, the downplaying of anything generational. However, whenever my mom consistently admits, "I can’t imagine raising children under today's circumstances", I find understanding in that difficulty through her admission.
There are new levels here!
As my oldest son, now seven years old, finds opportunities for himself - school, swim, martial arts, sports (he loves basketball, likes baseball), and his own free time and hobbies (Pokemon, Comic Books, and Pro Wrestling) - I’ve found myself balancing what I’ve become accustomed to, further doubled by the growth of his almost two-year-old brother.
Because of where they are, it's easy for me to stay in one mode of "helicopter parent".
However, I remember being seven. I had independence (by circumstance) at that age that he currently doesn’t. I remember wanting to try things and not necessarily needing my parents at all times. There was a life away from my parents happening.
That's scary for me to type.
It was at a recent martial arts practice where ground wrestling and standing-only combat were introduced to him. He was finally going to be given a green light to get physical.
In the session, he applied what he knew and took a bit of a beating from older or more experienced kids.
He held his own.
As I watched him get pinned, his face struggling, his instincts kicking into the highest gear he can go to and his lack of experience on full display as technique quickly eroded - sometimes having to tap out - he stood up, fixed his belt and his wild hair, and took a knee with the rest of the group. He knelt with a face bearing down, watching the next contest to learn, observe, and figure it out for his next turn.
Youth sports and activities haven’t been fun as a parent. As a coach, I’ve been yelled at (and likely talked about for my in-game decisions - mind you, for 1-2nd grade basketball - super eyeroll). I’ve also taken the incongitio approach, just observing, often witnessing parents make themselves part of the journey - over-caring, overindulgent, or outright doing too much in the experience. Clouding organic moments meant for positive growth and development with ego.
I’ve learned from my recent coaching experience and ultimately, from my professional career in athletics and rec, about the current climate of youth sports. Because of that atmosphere, I constantly try to let him be him in those environments. In fact, I try to pull back.
For this dad, it’s hard. All of this is. But I’ve found myself further understanding the concept that I can only prepare him for the world, and not the world for him.
Youth sports and activities are for the kids.
Let me say that again for the parents in the back yelling at an umpire right now...
Youth sports and activities are for the kids.
It seems parents have forgotten that and try to relive their moments or extenuate a projection for monetary earnings while missing the beauty of the moments they currently provide for the present.
What areas does your kid grow in? What did they apply from a recent lesson you taught them (or try to)? How did they adjust in the face of adversity?
My son was defeated. Hurt. Probably embarrassed. In most cases, he would cry. I know he wanted to. I thought he would.
He didn’t. He took the loss. Fixed himself. And focused in.
That surprised me. It really did.
He’s learning how to get out of his own way.
And in that moment, I took a step further in doing the same.
Let the kids play. Get out of the way.