Skip to main content

Dear Son, Letting In and Letting Go


--25 Weeks Old (Before Birth)--

Dear Son, 

The word is now spreading to more and more people about your existence, or eventual arrival - however, you prefer to look at it - and it feels like a fire that is now out of our control. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but as mentioned in prior letters to you, your mother and I are pretty methodical in how we divulge news about our private lives. 

Truthfully, your mother is definitely more willing to share news than I am, and you'll eventually see that one day. Maybe I'll change, who knows? But the truth is, because of the nature in how I grew up, in the neighborhood that I did, and really, the independence that I had to attain early on, I've always been late to share things with others. That's just who I am. It's probably why I have had this very blog since I was sixteen - to let those thoughts out somewhere. 

Nonetheless, everyone now knows. I'm talking like everyone. Even the teller lady at the business office at the college where I work as of this writing. And for me, I'm trying to cope with that. 

Why? Because with that comes attention. And with that attention comes the kind of fluff excess that I constantly try to avoid, or rather, the kind of things that annoy me. You know, all that "extra-ness" humans like to make up as social customs. 

For the record, if you're wondering, we did not have a gender reveal party for you. I find them to be ridiculous. It's basically keeping a secret from yourself, simply to surprise yourself. I don't see the appeal. Just my opinion. And really, it goes into that box of "extra-ness" I like to stay away from. 

But I digress...

Nonetheless, I already see your mother, the focus of not one, not two, but THREE(!) upcoming baby showers, and her emotions and reactions to them all. It's joy, yet, an annoyance, and a wanting to just be at times during this experience. 

I feel for her. And at the same time, I fear that for me at some point in this journey. 

Everyone wants to offer advice. Everyone wants to know your name (BTW, at this point, we do). Really, everyone is excited. and I get that. And others are just being nosey and annoying. Your mother and I - shockingly - get that too. 

For me, this week, in realizing how much of my personal life is now so abroad and so transparent, it causes me to feel vulnerable. And again, as someone who defied odds, statistics, neighborhoods, and more, vulnerability is something that I just don't do well with. I'll admit it - assuredness is a close friend of mine - it's a gift and a curse. But, it's got me where I am thus far in life. 

However, that same vulnerability is growth. I'm seeing as you grow, so do I. Possibly transforming. Or evolving. Whatever it is, I'm already changing. Because while I'm getting used to all of this, and it is making me slightly uncomfortable, I'm beginning to realize much of this isn't about me. 

It's a small step in letting people in. But really, I'm letting go. I'm beginning to let go in more ways than I ever have before. 

Sincerely,

Your I-guess-I-gotta-change Dad

Recently Read

Quick Ponder: Future Self

We always think,  what would we say  to our  younger self? However,  what would  our younger self say  if they met us, today?

Knicks Trauma - Ugh Not Again

Well, that was a kick in the stomach.  Coming off a week where the word "catharsis" was used as the description for the euphoria and release of joy from two and a half decades of suffering, Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Indiana Pacers brought about another word - trauma.  Watching the Knicks collapse was the kind of moments that come with these deep runs and moments. NBA Playoff basketball will do that. Yet, this loss - this one - feels about as bad as the 2004 ALCS when the Yankees collapsed in the series to the Boston Red Sox.  That one carries some serious trauma. Luckily, the series isn't over.  Some other quick thoughts from this awful, awful night, New York Knicks Basketball.  - Not to conjure up hyperbole, or even contribute to "hot take" sports reaction culture - but this might have been the worst loss in Knicks franchise history. I cannot think of another in my lifetime, or historically.  - Tyrese Haliburton's "choke"...

Knicks Back in ECF Causing Catharsis

I've certainly shared my emotions and thoughts regarding the New York Knicks on this site over the years. There have been plenty of those to sort through - most of them are rants. Tonight, the New York Knicks ultimately destroyed the Boston Celtics in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals, 119-81. I sat on my couch, afraid to allow myself to feel joy until that final buzzer. As a Knicks fan, I've been through too much to allow myself to do anything else, to make any assumption, until it was final. Until it was confirmed. Until something couldn't fall through...the way we're used to.  Once it was final, it was unreal.  The New York Knicks are in the Eastern Conference Finals. For the first time since 2000.  I was 15 years old the last time that happened. And that was a run with a squad that I consider (still) to be my favorite Knicks team of all-time.  I sat on my couch with all sorts of feelings. My wife was likely trying to understand the moment. My son, exci...