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The Struggle Back to Dependence

You ever just feel lost? Seriously, like, the motivation to take the next step in life just isn't quite there. Because everything, while very much the same - professionally, personally, spiritually - just feels like it is preparing you for something more, but you haven't the foggiest idea what it is. 

Confusing, I know. But if you understand the complex feeling, you really understand where these words of ponder are coming from. A strange and confusing corner in life where you feel as if you are in a rut, possibly even mentally burned out, but you know, you're not. 

After all, as a collegiate athletics professional, or as anyone else that works in some form of education understands and can testify to, we're coming off of summer, which means a supreme amount of downtime. There is no way I can be mentally burned out after bike rides, road trips, playing PS4, playing baseball/softball, and enjoying the warm weather. And I've been mentally burned out in my professional position before, heck, it's expected periodically as a sign of doing your job due to the demand, hours, pressure, and responsibility that comes along with it, but this is not burnout. This is not a rut.

For the last couple of months, I've ultimately felt like there is something yet to be filled. Almost as if God were either preparing me for something else in life, or he's making it abundantly clear where he needs me and I'm either just too prideful, afraid, or oblivious to follow. I haven't figured out which option or sub-option it is yet. Which of course, is the point of this entire post. 

The last time I felt this way, a series of events led up to me accepting the position I currently have now. A dream position. I know God is still working on my development through my employment, and it is a growth that is very obvious and very much in progress, so I'm not sure of what is to come. 

But I will say this. It took up until today for me to realize that I looked everywhere else in my life for that "next step". I looked professionally, even recently earned a raise - nope, not it. I looked physically - I'm still me, still 6'5'', 235lbs. I looked at my marriage, my responsibility to my family and friends, my relationship to others, and even dove into the deep end of the crazy pool by  almost convincing myself that I possibly needed to go see family aka, an excuse to go to the Caribbean. 

Truthfully, I turned to Jesus up until just about ten minutes ago before beginning to punch the keys on this post. Like really turning to Jesus. Stopping everything - the thoughts, the wondering, the pondering, the anticipation, the fear, the guessing, and even the hands-on approach and just turned it over to him. 

Sometimes, isn't it just that simple? Why do we make it so hard? 

Too often we want confidence, and all God asks is for dependence. 

I still feel there is something more to come, but for now, I'm going to let go and trust. It's all yours Jesus. 

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