A new bracket. More DP-All-stars. And of course, more unique clashes. Welcome to the first round of the Hollywood Blvd. Bracket. Why Hollywood? Well, just like the Toy Story Series and Madison Square Garden, the Hollywood Hills and Hollywood Blvd. are one of the coolest places I've ever been to. So why not? And yes, the next bracket is named, Star World, after the wonderful cheat board in Super Mario Bros. that allows you to defeat the game much quicker. Star World was awesome! Anyhow, with that said, let's continue on with the first round.
#1 LeBron James vs. #8 Christiane "Cyborg" Santos
Everyone knows the #1 seed here, LeBron James. Even if you are not a sports fan, you are well-aware of who he is. Which why he's a top seed. However, "Cyborg" Santos isn't exactly a household name. For those of you in the unknown, Santos is probably the most dominant woman in mixed martial arts. She's a monster. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. After all, she could destroy me. However, after being handed the crown as the top female MMA star in the world (Since Gina Carano stepped away for a bit), Santos' star has fallen quickly with a recent positive steroid test and a pending divorce from husband, and MMA fighter, Evangelista Santos. Hey, maybe Cyborg can make a Cinderella-like run in the Clash.
Obviously, before this takes place, LeBron will hold a one-hour show on ESPN (Of course, who else would put up with such nonsense?) to determine their battle. LeBron will shock everyone by declining the option to play Santos in a 1 on 1 in a game of H-O-R-S-E. LeBron instead announces that he "would be taking his talents to the octagon"
And surely enough, he did. LeBron dominates the first round with his brute strength clobbering Santos at every turn. Santos tries to evade and defend LeBron, but he's too big, too strong, and too fast. The commentators marvel at the physical specimen that he is, and wonders if he possibly could be the best ever to enter the octagon.
Round 2 is no different, as now Cyborg looks winded, hurt, and a split-second moment away from this "beeeeeeeeeing alllll over!" With Santos barely holding on, James continues to throw punches, but now dances and prances in a very look-at-me-way showing up the wounded Santos. Bell rings and saves Santos. Santos is still alive with a chance, but the crowd knows this is over. LeBron simply needs to close the deal in the third and final round.
The bell rings for Round 3 and out come the fighters. The moment now a little bigger as the fans know Santos is beaten on the cards, an must come out swinging. A trip to the second round on the line. LeBron comes out and simply stares. Almost afraid of the moment. Santos smells the fear and closes in. Friends, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, hop from their ringside seats and now clinging to the cage yelling and screaming for LeBron to embrace the moment.
Two big blows. One to the stomach, and one across his head, sending his headband (yes, he fought with a headband on) flying.
The referee stops the fight. Santos wins.
Wade looks upset. Bosh pounds his chest before realizing it was an incorrect emotion for the moment and looks at Wade to observe his response before mirroring it.
Cleveland, Ohio rejoices.
LeBron comes up, short...again.
#4 Peyton Manning vs. #5 Stewie Griffin
Talk about a match-up of two well-prepared individuals. Peyton Manning always looking to tear up NFL defenses, and Stewie Griffin, the mastermind, always looking to kill Lois Griffin. However, unlike Peyton who comes from a family of winning, Griffin is the off-spring of Peter Griffin, and brother of Chris Griffin. That isn't exactly winning genetics. Stewie will hold his own with his laser concoctions and weapon inventions until Peyton palms his head and throws it sixty-five yards for a TD.
Result: Peyton Manning with the last-minute drive.
#3 Prince vs. #6 Kate Upton
Kate Upton is the latest "now" supermodel in pop-culture. The cover girl of this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition has received commercial roles, interviews, further magazine covers, fashion shoots, and various media requests over previous two months. That's without counting the thousands of fan-mail from teenage boys.
However, while Kate Upton might be the only person in this tournament that can match Prince's femininity, no mater what Upton attempts, tries, or reasons, she will be forced to submit out of nothing other than sheer annoyance.
Have you ever seen a Prince music video? Live performance? They last about twenty minutes. And that is not exaggeration.
Prince will wear you out, until he wins you over.
#2 Kim Kardashian vs. #7 Dr. Sheldon Cooper
This one has pro wrestling written all over it.
Kim Kardashian is backstage being interviewed when Kris Jenners interrupts the interview and simply states into the camera "This match is over before it even began."
Everyone wonder what she means.
Kim K is standing in the ring in what simply can be said is NOT wrestling attire. She prances around in her thousand dollar Louboutin-red bottom shoes taking in all of the attention and coverage. Even though the crowd boos and jeers loudly, Kim adores it all, posing for the flashes as fans are incited by her presence.
Suddenly, the rest of the Kardashian clan brings a beaten and bloodied Shelden Cooper to the ring and throws him in. Lamar Odom, still enjoying his time as a Kardashian rather than an active and productive member of an NBA roster, forces the officials to ring the bell to signify the beginning of the contest. The officials oblige.
Kardashian continues to pose when suddenly, a rather large fan jumps the railing and clobbers Kim K with a pretty vicious blow.
Kim K. is out cold!
The fan stops and looks up to a crowd that has now gone nuts. It's Kris Humphries!
The Kardashian clan, all confused and now panicking, chase after Humphires who begins heading for the exit. The entire clan follows, except for Lamar Odom - because, you know - he doesn't hustle very much these days.
An unconscious Kim lay next to Sheldon Cooper who is slowly writhing in pain from his injuries. Suddenly another fan jumps the railing and pulls the arm of Sheldon Cooper over the motionless body of Kim K.
It's Reggie Bush!
Lamar Odom is shocked. So he takes outs some candy, a pack of Twizzlers, and a Swedish fish, and stares as Bush runs off.
The referee counts.
Ring Announcer: "The winner of this contest, Dr. Sheld...."
Kanye West: "Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. But no one advanced into the second round of this tournament better than Prince. No one. Just saying"
...And yes, Prince was still performing throughout the entire thing.
Result: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper