A new bracket. More DP-All-stars. And of course, more unique clashes.
Welcome to the first round of the Hollywood Blvd. Bracket. Why
Hollywood? Well, just like the Toy Story Series and Madison Square
Garden, the Hollywood Hills and Hollywood Blvd. are one of the coolest
places I've ever been to. So why not? And yes, the next bracket is named,
Star World, after the wonderful cheat board in Super Mario Bros. that
allows you to defeat the game much quicker. Star World was awesome!
Anyhow, with that said, let's continue on with the first round.
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| #1 LeBron James vs. #8 Christiane "Cyborg" Santos |
#1 LeBron James vs. #8 Christiane "Cyborg" Santos
Everyone
knows the #1 seed here, LeBron James. Even if you are not a sports fan,
you are well-aware of who he is. Which why he's a top seed. However,
"Cyborg" Santos isn't exactly a household name. For those of you in the
unknown, Santos is probably the most dominant woman in mixed martial
arts. She's a monster. And I mean that in the most respectful way
possible. After all, she could destroy me. However, after being handed the crown
as the top female MMA star in the world (Since Gina Carano stepped away
for a bit), Santos' star has fallen quickly with a recent positive steroid test
and a pending divorce from husband, and MMA fighter, Evangelista
Santos. Hey, maybe Cyborg can make a Cinderella-like run in the Clash.
Obviously,
before this takes place, LeBron will hold a one-hour show on
ESPN (Of course, who else would put up with such nonsense?) to determine
their battle. LeBron will shock everyone by declining the option to
play Santos in a 1 on 1 in a game of H-O-R-S-E. LeBron instead announces
that he "would be taking his talents to the octagon"
And
surely enough, he did. LeBron dominates the first round with his brute
strength clobbering Santos at every turn. Santos tries to evade and
defend LeBron, but he's too big, too strong, and too fast. The
commentators marvel at the physical specimen that he is, and wonders if
he possibly could be the best ever to enter the octagon.
Round
2 is no different, as now Cyborg looks winded, hurt, and a split-second moment away from this "beeeeeeeeeing alllll over!" With Santos barely
holding on, James continues to
throw punches, but now dances and prances in a very look-at-me-way
showing up the wounded Santos. Bell rings and saves Santos. Santos is
still alive with a chance, but the crowd knows this is over. LeBron
simply needs to close the deal in the third and final round.
The
bell rings for Round 3 and out come the fighters. The moment now a
little bigger as the fans know Santos is beaten on the cards, an must
come out swinging. A trip to the second round on the line. LeBron comes
out and simply stares. Almost afraid of the moment. Santos smells the
fear and closes in. Friends, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, hop from their
ringside seats and now clinging to the cage yelling and screaming for
LeBron to embrace the moment.
He doesn't.
He doesn't.
Two big blows. One to
the stomach, and one across his head, sending his headband (yes, he fought with a headband on) flying.
LeBron falls.
The referee stops the fight. Santos wins.
Wade
looks upset. Bosh pounds his chest before realizing it was an incorrect
emotion for the moment and looks at Wade to observe his response before mirroring it.
Cleveland, Ohio rejoices.
LeBron comes up, short...again.
Result: Santos via TKO
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| #4 Peyton Manning vs. #5 Stewie Griffin |
#4 Peyton Manning vs. #5 Stewie Griffin
Talk
about a match-up of two well-prepared individuals. Peyton Manning
always looking to tear up NFL defenses, and Stewie Griffin, the
mastermind, always looking to kill Lois Griffin. However, unlike Peyton
who comes from a family of winning, Griffin is
the off-spring of Peter Griffin, and brother of Chris Griffin. That isn't
exactly winning genetics. Stewie will hold his own with
his laser concoctions and weapon inventions until Peyton palms his head
and throws it sixty-five yards for a TD.
Result: Peyton Manning with the last-minute drive.
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| #3 Prince vs. #6 Kate Upton |
#3 Prince vs. #6 Kate Upton
Kate
Upton is the latest "now" supermodel in pop-culture. The cover girl of this year's Sports
Illustrated Swimsuit Edition has received commercial roles, interviews,
further magazine covers, fashion shoots, and various media requests over
previous two months. That's without counting the thousands of fan-mail from teenage
boys.
However,
while Kate Upton might be the only person in this tournament that can
match Prince's femininity, no mater what Upton attempts, tries, or
reasons, she will be forced to submit out of nothing other than sheer
annoyance.
Have you ever seen a Prince music video? Live performance? They last about twenty minutes. And that is not exaggeration.
Prince will wear you out, until he wins you over.
Result: Prince
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| #7 Sheldon Cooper vs. #2 Kim Kardashian |
#2 Kim Kardashian vs. #7 Dr. Sheldon Cooper
This one has pro wrestling written all over it.
Kim
Kardashian is backstage being interviewed when Kris Jenners interrupts
the interview and simply states into the camera "This match is over
before it even began."
Everyone wonder what she means.
Kim
K is standing in the ring in what simply can be said is NOT wrestling
attire. She prances around in her thousand dollar Louboutin-red bottom shoes taking in all of the
attention and coverage. Even though the crowd boos and jeers loudly, Kim
adores it all, posing for the flashes as fans are incited by her
presence.
Suddenly,
the rest of the Kardashian clan brings a beaten and bloodied Shelden
Cooper
to the ring and throws him in. Lamar Odom, still enjoying his time as a
Kardashian rather than an active and productive member of an NBA
roster, forces the officials to ring the bell to signify the beginning
of the contest. The officials oblige.
Kardashian
continues to pose when suddenly, a rather large fan jumps the railing
and clobbers Kim K with a pretty vicious blow.
Kim K. is out cold!
The fan stops and looks up to a crowd that has now gone nuts. It's Kris Humphries!
The
Kardashian clan, all confused and now panicking, chase after Humphires who
begins
heading for the exit. The entire clan follows, except
for Lamar Odom - because, you know - he doesn't hustle very much these
days.
An
unconscious Kim lay next to Sheldon Cooper who is slowly writhing in
pain from his injuries. Suddenly another fan jumps the railing and pulls
the arm of Sheldon Cooper over the motionless body of Kim K.
It's Reggie Bush!
Lamar Odom is shocked. So he takes outs some candy, a pack of Twizzlers, and a Swedish fish, and stares as Bush runs off.
The referee counts.
1...2...........3!
Cooper Wins!
Ring Announcer: "The winner of this contest, Dr. Sheld...."
Kanye
West: "Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. But no one advanced into the
second round of this tournament better than Prince. No one. Just saying"
...And yes, Prince was still performing throughout the entire thing.
Result: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper